Movie Reviews:
Transformers 2 – Rise of The Fallen
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Thus it was in the year 43877 that strange spindly aliens disembarked from their hundred-mile long intergalactic survey vehicles. They had screeched to a halt around thirty-light years from an insignificant star on the outer rim of the Milky Way. Triangulating from faint, ancient, primitive radio signals received across the staggering intergalactic depths, they identified their origin as from the third planet of the system. The planet was now barren, dust-blown and lifeless, the sun struggling to penetrate through thick stratospheric clouds of chemicals, laced with particles of decaying, but still lethal plutonium. The only artefacts were a few crumbling remains of concrete building foundations and crinkled plastic, worked into the shape of thin receptacles, designed to be carried by the lifeform’s hand. On day 183 of the dig, an alien archaeologist triumphantly networked an image to the heads of his fellows. Found at the bottom of a steel box, with shreds of long-rotted organic materials that may have been apparel, was a blackened, thin disc, with a hole in the centre. After a few hours of group think debate, conducted at light speed, the aliens concluded that it was a data-storage device and handed it to their specialist technicians. They polished it up, utilising a ultra-space field sympathetic-resonance generator….but no matter. It came up shiny silver and easily read by calibrating a laser from a toy borrowed from one of the children of the archaeologists. They watched it projected into their minds. After working out which dead language they couldn’t speak they wanted to watch it in, they chose a collection of symbols that meant ‘English’. Their fiendishly powerful group Mind worked on the information that flickered on their internal screens. Translation quickly followed. Transformers 2 – Rise of the Fallen. They watched in silence, for what seemed like an eternity. And at nearly two-and-a-half hours, they were not far wrong, even for beings whose lifespan was measured by hundreds of millions of years. They were confused about what seemed to be going on. There was little comprehensive narrative. Everything seemed to blur into another in an incomprehensible whirl. Especially during the CGI bits. One of the apes in the film seemed to be particularly worshipped by the fellow ape in charge of recording, as the sexual anthropologist alien team member pointed out, as he seemed to often be making crude attempts to look at her primary sexual characteristics. However, it is telling that not one of the team of aliens, however unfamiliar they were with this extinct species, their culture or their then-biosphere, thought that this was a documentary. The display ended. The Aliens looked at each other through their mind-meld. Agreed with each other instantaneously. They carefully removed the DVD from the player and gently and respectfully laid it to rest under a artificially induced volcanic eruption. They then boarded their ships and went legged it as fast out of the solar system as their wormholes would carry them. They vowed never to speak of this matter again.
The Taking of Pelham 123
One of the aliens smuggled this disc on board. The alien made it clear to his fellows that the original was better and launched the DVD into a supernova.
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